Okay, my blog has left much to be desired lately, at least from my own point of view. I have not been updating as often as I used to and when I have posted something, chances are it was brief. There are a few reasons for this: First, I am in the process of moving this website again. Second, I was afraid some of my new close friends would read it and there are things I don’t want them knowing. Third, I have been hanging out with my new friends so often I hardly have much time for myself, much less time to write. I am not complaining, I have been having a great time, but I need to try to balance my social life with other aspects of my life.

I also have not been smoking marijuana very often because I knew about my impending need for a job hunt, which would most likely result in a drug test. The other drugs we had been experimenting with (alcohol, pills, mushrooms, and ecstasy; I tried the ecstasy three times and the mushrooms once) were out of our systems within three days.

Tamara and I went to hang out with Nick again last night. We had a good time. We watched “Clan of the Cave Bear” then watched Nick and his brothers play Dance Revolution on his Xbox. Nick told me to come to his job today to talk to his uncle about a job.

I went and I got the job. I am so relieved. My short-term disability is set to run out in a couple days. I was about to be royally fucked because I was only going to get $165 a week for unemployment; there is no way I could have lived on that.

I am at the point right now where I do not give a damn about Erick. It is an amazing feeling. I never thought I would see the day when a part of me did not yearn to be with him. Moreover, the best part is I concluded this without seeing him.

This point has been a long time coming. It sure as hell did not happen overnight, but that does not matter: the important thing is that the time is finally here and I am ecstatic about it.

Someone special has come into my life. I have been attracted to him since the first day I laid eyes on him at Directv. I have been fighting the feeling for several months, but the time is nearing to say something. I cannot let fear hold me back any longer.

Tamara and I just returned from hanging out with Nick. I hadn’t seen him in about a month. The three of us went swimming at Tamara’s house earlier. We had to have Nick back home by 7:30 because his ankle monitor would have went off. I got him back a little late but he said it wasn’t that big of a deal.

His mother was home. She’s cool. I just found out tonight that really likes me. I’m surprised. From what I’ve heard in the past Nick’s mother doesn’t like most of his girlfriends and she likes them even less once they are exes. I think she knows I care about Nick and that I’d never intentionally hurt him or fuck him over.

He was being very flirty. He tried to kiss me and he kept groping me. Then he sent me nude pictures of himself. It was a little strange but I must admit that I enjoyed it. I flirted back. It was harmless fun.

He also told me that he was talking to his cousin Adam about me before he came over and Adam told Nick that he wanted to do me. I thought that was weird because Adam doesn’t like big women usually. I mentioned it to Nick and he said he told Adam the same thing. Adam said it was because he knows how sweet I am. I got a kick out of that. I’ve never thought of myself as a sweet person.

I also found out that Nick wasn’t repulsed by me when we were together, he was just scared of us getting too involved. He has been royally fucked over by women in the past so he is as leery of relationships as I was. I had convinced myself that I was repulsive and he didn’t want me, which is why I self-injured so often while we were dating.

This is an interesting turn of events. Men are starting to crawl out of the woodwork again. Woohoo, social butterfly time, let’s hope I don’t go slutty again.

Sometimes, I wonder if I was better off before the bipolar diagnosis and subsequent medication regimen, therapy, and mental illness education.

They say ignorance is bliss. I would not go that far in this particular case, but knowing what I know about my illness makes me constantly question my thoughts, motives, moods, behaviors, and feelings. Oftentimes, I cannot make heads or tails of why I am doing the things I am, behaving the way I am, or even thinking some of the things I think.

I must say I have been a lot more clear-headed since adjusting my medications myself. I had to make the changes because I was sick of feeling so disconnected and just plain blah, not to mention feeling like a guinea pig for the drug companies and doctors.

The fact of the matter is I don’t know what the long-term consequences of the changes I’ve made are going to have, but presently, things are going fine. I am content with my life: I am having fun, making friends, and becoming more of the person I want to be.

I am thoroughly enjoying my newfound social life. It had been months since I allowed myself a chance to relax and have some fun. I may be doing things that others don’t approve of, but I don’t really give a rat’s ass. I’m tired of trying to behave the way others expect or want me to behave. Maybe I’m relapsing into a hypomanic episode, but maybe I’m just finding happiness or at least contentment… is that unlikely? Either way, it’s a welcomed change from the funk I’ve been in all this time.

Since our first ecstasy experiment last weekend, we have tried it two more times; once last night, and once Monday night. Neither time was as fun as the first time, but I still thoroughly enjoyed myself.

The ecstasy did not have any psychedelic effects on me, just sensory. I could feel everything and it all felt amazing. I usually don’t like being touched, but when I am rolling, I love it; I actually have a little body orgasms.

Dan, Dani, and Andy just left. Tamara is still here. We tried ecstasy for the first time last night – well, actually around 2am this morning. The pics above were taken while we were conducting our Ecstasy experiment.

I have not been writing much the past four or five days because I have been transferring my websites to a new host. I have four of the five transferred and ready to go now. I am still working on this one; transferring this one is a lot of work because all the information contained on the site already and I am still learning PHP.

I have also been hanging out with Dan, Tamara, Tori and others a lot. I have not had much free time to write. We were hanging out until almost 6am this morning. They were drinking and then started singing karaoke. I recorded most of the songs and I will post them to Myspace later. I already have many pictures posted there. We have a shit-ton of fun together.

We all know that person. The one who is always laughing, crackin’ jokes, having fun, and just being happy, no matter what’s going on. Everyone is attracted to them, and perhaps you want to be like them. But maybe you think it’s impossible to always be happy. However, you most certainly can be happy like them and you should be happy like them.

There’s no special secrets to how these people can have so much joy. They don’t possess anything that you don’t have. The only thing they do is practice habits that make them happy. So here are seven habits that can be found in people who are always really happy. If you can practice these and turn them into habits you’ll be just as happy as them.

1. Don’t care what others think

They don’t care what others think or have to say. If they did, they wouldn’t let themselves free and be happy because of the possibility of scrutiny. Really happy people also never let negative people and their attitudes get to them. Whatever the negative people say or do just rolls off the backs of the happy people.